Ashley, Ashley, Ashleyyy. Thank you. This is so helpful beyond any description. I just kind of lost it last night. All of these convictions just finally blew up in my face and I absolutely freaked out. Today I’m doin’ miles better. :)
I love you more than every grain of sand on this planet. I love you more than every crack in every sidewalk on Earth. I love you more than the billions of galaxies I have made. I love you more than every drop of water the ocean contains. I know how many strands of hair are on your head, and I love you more than that too. I love you more than mom or dad will ever be capable of. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you, and you are so beautiful.
I love you.
I think way too often about who’d I like to be. Just… it’s too much. My thoughts at the end of each day basically always consist of this severe criticism of myself and how I feel like I’m just this cheap, plastic, breakable model of the real girl I want to be. I feel so weak about my growth and… just who I am altogether. I just do not like this girl that I am. I’m never okay with her. I’m never satisfied with what I do. There’s always something better, but I’m just so short of it.
I pray and pray that Jesus will take away my distractions and the desires of my flesh, but there’s just something I can’t surrender to Him. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m struggling with something that has become apart of me. As each day passes, I blend in more and more with this world. And I absolutely hate it. I cannot handle this girl that has a mediocre passion, that sits around doing nothing, that lies in bed telling herself that tomorrow she’s going to do something awesome, but never actually follows through with it. I extreeemely dislike this girl.
I don’t know, it’s something that’s been in me for a while. I’m much farther from where I want to be with the Lord and I’m aware of it, but I can’t seem to push myself to take that next step that’ll get me closer. I just… am so weak. I’m so human. And you know, I guess that’s just how it has to be. I’m just going to be human until the day I leave this Earth because that’s how I’m built. I cannot be perfect. But as long as I am on Earth, I will always have a desire to be perfect. Only for Him though. I have an insatiable desire to be like my Lord so I can be in perfect harmony with Him. I have that desire, but now I just need the ambition. I need serious ambition.
I want to fight the good fight. I want to race to the finish, in first place. I want to let go of all my baggage so I can glide to Him and the greater things He has set out for me. I know He has greater things set out for me. It’s time to run after them with my whole heart and all my strength and my entire soul. Dang it. I need to stop making excuses. I need to give up my pride. I need to be honest with myself and everyone around me that I am His child and He is my heart’s desire.
… I need to be that girl. I just want to be that girl. He made me to be that girl. And I’m tired of ignoring that. It’s time. Now. Before it’s too late.
That happened to me today too. :/ phooey.
You popped into my mind.
I suddenly felt like talking to you.
So I was like hmm… ill text him.
I press New Message.
Enter your name.
Then it hit me that we would have nothing to talk about.
I have a coffee date with Sheila this next Saturday!
:) I’m so excited to talk to her about everything. She just got back from Morocco on a mission trip with my old church. I caaaannot wait to hear about it! I know she’s going to have awesome stories of revival and salvation.
Instrumental music that makes me want to close my eyes and think is absolutely the best music ever. The kind with violins and a soft piano. And maybe a distant, sweet hum. The kind that, just by listening to it, makes me feel like a philosophy scholar. That kind just fills my mind with this insane clarity. It’s beautiful. And it creates the most marvelous images in my imagination. I see like, little kids playing in the sprinklers, or the shadows of trees that are being swayed by the wind, or blurry lights, or a big field full of dragonsnaps.
Ahh. Music is just so beautiful.
I woke up around 8 coughing. And it would not let up. So after about 30 minutes, I laid my hands on my throat and asked Jesus to calm the outrageous storm up in there, and it was the coolest thing; He didn’t calm it until I realized that I needed to have some morning time with Him. So I picked up my bible and it started to go away… and then I prayed some, and more went away… and then I put on some worship, and it was completely gone.
:) I slept through 21 worship songs without a single cough. Then I woke up and sang to Him. I haven’t spent a morning like that in a really long time, and I think that was His wake up call to me (baha, no pun intended :) ) that I need to get back on that.
Besttttt morningggg in a while! :)
I’d like to write a letter, with no return address, to somebody that I blindly pick out of my yellow pages. I want to let them know how important and special they are. And I want to do that for more than one person. Everyone needs to be reminded of it… and it’s especially meaningful when it’s unexpected. :)
Goodness, I think I’ll get on that now.
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer. AND
Lazarus was dead!
Now! No more excuses!
God can use you to your full potential.
Besides you aren’t the message, you are just the messenger.